These last few days have been extremely challenging. The unspeakable has happened and it is hard to focus on anything else…even joyous things. I know that my grief about this horrific tragedy is not unique, but being a Kindergarten teacher and a mother has made this experience feel close to home.
Yesterday, I went to work for the first time since I heard about the shooting. Honestly, I dreaded going back to school because I didn’t want to cry. I knew it was important that I was strong for the parents that line up outside my door each morning with their most valued possession and then walk away trusting me with that gift.
When I pulled into my school parking lot, I was full of anxiety. A siren soaring by alerted me in an uncharacteristic way and I looked at my school in a new light. I knew that I would need to avoid my closest friends because I didn’t want to cry. I saw a dear friend in the parking lot and it was clear that she felt the same way. We could only touch on the events before we knew that the subject had to change if we were to make it through the morning.
As I unlocked my door, I questioned my decision. I have done this everyday for the last 20+ years without question and today I wondered about that decision. I looked at my classroom in a new light. The little desks and chairs that would soon be filled with young eager learners seemed especially empty. I looked at the doors that went into other classrooms and questioned the large windows that I usually love.
I took a few extra breaths before I greeted my students and their parents. Some of the parents had a numb expression that I had felt and others looked me straight in the eye as if to say, “I know it will be okay and thank you for being with my child.” I was glad to see my students and their smiles. I had to catch myself and switch my mindset because they looked so like the angels that were taken. The morning went quickly and I was composed and effective despite my heavy heart.
When it was time to go and they were bundled in their puffy coats and all lined up, we sang our “Goodbye Song.” I saw the waiting parents, who seemed just as relieved to have that first day back completed. The bus riders quickly boarded and I thought I had done it. The first day back would be the hardest and I did it without the outburst that I dreaded. Until…
I heard my little children on the bus calling for me. They were waving and saying that they loved me. This is when my overflowing emotions couldn’t be held back. I smiled and waved and hid the tears until I turned away.
Due to today’s snow day, I have already started Winter Break. My son’s last day is tomorrow and I can’t wait. We all need this time to be together and to think of better days ahead. I am still overwhelmed with sadness, but this sadness is turning to anger and I hope that we can begin to focus on what can be done to help prevent another tragedy like this one again.
My Twice Baked Potato 
Not only do our teachers have the awesome job of educating our children so they become productive members of society and our economy, but everyday we do place our most treasured possessions in their hands to nurture and protect…if you have any doubts about their value, you should think twice. Most teachers I’ve ever met have the passion and ‘compassion’ you have Kelly – thank you!
Diane-thank you for your sweet and thoughtful comments. Blessings to you and yours!
Nicely written post. This tension and sadness that we are all feeling is palpable. It is awsome that your students, by being themselves, helped you get through the day.
Thank you so much! I think it is true that we are all leaning I each other now. I only hope that this passion is transformed into determination to make changes!
If so, maybe something good will come from the horror. it would be a way of honoring those whose lives have been cut short.
Hi Kelly, Diane sent me a link to your blog/this post. I just want to say how much your compassion and dedication to our children means to me. This tragedy rocked everyone to the core, but I can only imagine how difficult it’s been to be strong for the kids while the details of the horror runs through your mind. Because of teachers like you, we were able to send our kids off to school again…knowing they feel safe and nurtured. Best wishes for a wonderful holiday!
Cami-
Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. Yes, this experience has been very challenging. I believe the reasons why we teachers do this job are the same reasons why I can’t forget this tragedy. I hope everyone’s shock turns into action!
Blessings to you and yours!